"I've made the mistakes so you don't have to!"
- I don't really know what to write here, but here goes... = I have no personality, discernible interests, or the wit to realise I should try to hide this.
- I asked my best friend and she says... = a girl I've been stalking has agreed to massively oversell me on here in a bid to palm me off on someone else.
- I asked my best friend and he says... = no, I doubt it. This functions as a disclaimer for filling the profile with lies. Unless his best friend is gay.
- I prefer not to send hundreds of emails and would like to get to know you in person... = I'm inarticulate and can't keep up the facade for long. Let's meet up and get drunk quickly before you realise you can do better. C'mon, I just really need a shag.
And the quickfire rounds:
I'm...
 |
| I just don't think you get how lucky you are to be on a date with me. |
- laid back = lazy, and possibly have hygiene issues
- chilled out = boring, and expect you to arrange everything
- popular = with the local takeaway owners, perhaps
- honest = rude
- quirky = trying too hard
- witty = setting myself up for a fall
- complex = a pseudo-intellectual pain in the backside
- enthusiastic = fickle
- I don't take myself too seriously = highly unsuccessful and resigned to it
- down to earth = bad mannered
- confident = opinionated, stubborn
- good looking = conceited (why write this? We can see your photo!)
- spontaneous = disorganised
- driven, career-focused = no feelings, just sex please.
- romantic = wet
- sensual = creepy/sloppy kisser
- tender = even creepier/not over my ex
- loving = I like to stroke things
- passionate = extremely sexually frustrated, possible stalker
I like:
 |
| If only his fingers were always so dextrous... |
- travel = I want you to think I'm rich and open-minded
- travel (with number of countries listed) = as above, but I've also counted the number of times I've had sex and measure my penis monthly to see if it's grown
- socialising = talking about myself
- cooking = microwave meals for one
- nothing more than a bottle of wine/DVD on the sofa = slob with no creativity, originality or spark. I'll be wearing a tracksuit by date 2.
- massage = parlours
- salsa = frottage
- films = original!
- extreme sports = wanking, South Park and yards of ale
- writing = indulging my misguided sense of self-importance and uniqueness
- music = sticking headphones in and going "la la la" when anything gets tough
- computer games = computer games (enough said). Oh, and wanking.
I'm looking for a girl who is...
 |
| I saaaid, "Give. Me. Half. Your. Dessert." |
- chilled out = willing to take my crap
- cute = half my age plus four
- sexy = horny
- a good listener = a good flatterer
- down to earth = won't expect romance
- willing to commit = desperate
- intelligent = but still willing to pretend that I'm smarter
- fun = dirty
- a challenge = owns a whip
- who knows her own mind = wants to urinate on me
- equally at home up a mountain as in a cocktail dress and a pair of heels = I don't know what I want, so I'll steal someone else's cliche and will never be satisfied.
- happy = see fun
- generous = with oral
- confident = on top
- kind = tolerant of idiots/gives pity shags
- open-minded = into anal
- doesn't take herself too seriously = won't mind giving me a bj in the loos on the first date.
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