Monday, March 19, 2012

A cynic's guide to internet dating profiles

“The definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over, and then expecting different results,” Einstein famously proclaimed. But thanks to this entry you won't even need to do it once: just follow this handy phrasebook-cum-dictionary which translates online profiles into plain English for all your dating needs...
"I've made the mistakes so you don't have to!"

  • I don't really know what to write here, but here goes... = I have no personality, discernible interests, or the wit to realise I should try to hide this.
  • I asked my best friend and she says... = a girl I've been stalking has agreed to massively oversell me on here in a bid to palm me off on someone else.
  • I asked my best friend and he says... = no, I doubt it. This functions as a disclaimer for filling the profile with lies. Unless his best friend is gay.
  • I prefer not to send hundreds of emails and would like to get to know you in person... = I'm inarticulate and can't keep up the facade for long. Let's meet up and get drunk quickly before you realise you can do better. C'mon, I just really need a shag.

And the quickfire rounds:

I just don't think you get how lucky you are to be on a date with me.
  • laid back = lazy, and possibly have hygiene issues
  • chilled out = boring, and expect you to arrange everything
  • popular = with the local takeaway owners, perhaps
  • honest = rude
  • quirky = trying too hard
  • witty = setting myself up for a fall
  • complex = a pseudo-intellectual pain in the backside
  • enthusiastic = fickle
  • I don't take myself too seriously = highly unsuccessful and resigned to it
  • down to earth = bad mannered
  • confident = opinionated, stubborn
  • good looking = conceited (why write this? We can see your photo!)
  • spontaneous = disorganised
  • driven, career-focused = no feelings, just sex please.
  • romantic = wet
  • sensual = creepy/sloppy kisser
  • tender = even creepier/not over my ex
  • loving = I like to stroke things
  • passionate = extremely sexually frustrated, possible stalker

I like:
If only his fingers were always so dextrous...
  • travel = I want you to think I'm rich and open-minded
  • travel (with number of countries listed) = as above, but I've also counted the number of times I've had sex and measure my penis monthly to see if it's grown
  • socialising = talking about myself
  • cooking  = microwave meals for one
  • nothing more than a bottle of wine/DVD on the sofa = slob with no creativity, originality or spark. I'll be wearing a tracksuit by date 2.
  • massage = parlours
  • salsa = frottage
  • films = original!
  • extreme sports = wanking, South Park and yards of ale
  • writing = indulging my misguided sense of self-importance and uniqueness
  • music = sticking headphones in and going "la la la" when anything gets tough
  • computer games = computer games (enough said). Oh, and wanking.

I'm looking for a girl who is...

I saaaid, "Give. Me. Half. Your. Dessert."
  • chilled out = willing to take my crap
  • cute = half my age plus four
  • sexy = horny
  • a good listener = a good flatterer
  • down to earth = won't expect romance
  • willing to commit = desperate
  • intelligent = but still willing to pretend that I'm smarter
  • fun = dirty
  • a challenge = owns a whip
  • who knows her own mind = wants to urinate on me
  • equally at home up a mountain as in a cocktail dress and a pair of heels = I don't know what I want, so I'll steal someone else's cliche and will never be satisfied. 
  • happy =  see fun
  • generous = with oral
  • confident = on top
  • kind = tolerant of idiots/gives pity shags
  • open-minded = into anal
  • doesn't take herself too seriously = won't mind giving me a bj in the loos on the first date.

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